The Challenges of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Narcissistic traits are becoming increasingly common, and being married to a narcissist – or raising a child with one until that word raising becomes co-parenting after the separation – is nothing unusual. What starts as an argument about bedtime or a refusal to share weekend hours can settle into a long-term strategy of control. The person who once stood beside you in delivery rooms and family photos begins to perform parenthood as if it were a one-man show. You’re left handling the actual work. That’s one of the defining experiences of co-parenting with a narcissist.
Predictable Chaos: Narcissism, Compulsivity, and Emotional Control
Narcissistic behavior will usually follow a predictable pattern that somehow still manages to catch people off guard. What once was charm has suddenly turned into control. Boundaries blur, and emotional manipulation becomes a mechanism through which everyday decisions surrounding your child – who picks them up after school, who buys them shoes – turn into symbolic battlegrounds.
The narcissist might also exhibit traits that suggest more than just emotional imbalance, as they can also show signs of an addictive personality, such as impulsivity, self-sabotage, or excessive attempts to dominate even the smallest household detail. Living with a parent who exhibits compulsive behavior traits is not simply a difficult parenting situation in which you’ve found yourself but a structure where emotional unpredictability has become a part of the terrain you and your child must learn to move through. This matters because, over time, these behaviors can shape your child’s understanding of relationships and make it harder for them to recognize what stability looks like.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent with habit-forming tendencies can change how your child sees relationships and make it harder for them to feel what stability is.
The Wall Where Accountability Should Be
You might spend years asking someone to acknowledge what they’ve done. Or you might construct entire frameworks of evidence – emails, screenshots, texts sent during blunt moments of self-exposure – only to find yourself accused of being controlling or hysterical. This is how gaslighting works.
The narcissist rewrites the story in real-time. They’ll claim that events didn’t happen or that if they did, it was your fault for provoking them. A narcissist will shift the weight of their mistakes onto your shoulders with subtle precision, and they’ll rarely apologize unless there’s a clear benefit to doing so. Even then, the apology could arrive with certain conditions. You’ll begin to feel as though you’re arguing with a performance rather than a person. And that performance, strangely, can be charming to everyone except you, including your child.
Agreement as Illusion, Compliance as Performance
You might’ve sat through long legal mediations or spent weeks drawing up a parenting plan that felt balanced, reasonable, and clear. It starts fine, but then the slow erosion begins. They arrive late, cancel on short notice, or tell the child one thing and you another, following the agreement only when it benefits them and ignoring it when it doesn’t.
This kind of behavior often appears polished on the surface, as they might smile and offer vague justifications – something came up, and the child wanted to stay longer, but you never confirmed the time. Rules, to them, are really meant for the other person. The narcissist, in their mind, is the exception. Over time, the mixed signals and broken agreements can take a toll on the child, which is why child therapy often becomes necessary to help them make sense of what’s happening.
A Note on Variation and the Perils of Generalization
It’s important to add a layer of caution here. Not every contentious ex-partner fits the profile. Assumptions about divorce and narcissism are a little overstated, especially in clinical samples of parents undergoing coordination interventions. The study found little evidence that these parents consistently showed low empathy or high levels of narcissistic traits.
So, while the phrase co-parenting with a narcissist holds meaning and usefulness for many, it shouldn’t be applied as a universal diagnosis. The tendency to pathologize somewhat difficult behavior can obscure real progress or unfairly categorize someone who may simply be overwhelmed, reactive, or emotionally immature – but not necessarily narcissistic.
Not all co-parenting ex-couples are the same.
The Child as Leverage, Symbol, Pawn
There are moments when the child becomes a mirror held up to both parents, but the narcissist sees only their own reflection. In conflicts over school decisions, weekend logistics, or medical needs, the child’s best interests become secondary to the need for control. They may align the child with them through guilt or excessive praise meant to create loyalty. A child asked to take sides can begin to adopt the narcissist’s logic to avoid conflict, repeating opinions they don’t understand or expressing preferences that seem out of character. The narcissist turns parenting into a contest. The child becomes the scoreboard.
Building a Center That Doesn’t Collapse
Children raised in these dynamics will eventually begin to ask their own questions. Why do the rules change depending on the house? Why does one parent seem to always win? Why do they feel responsible for keeping the peace? This is where the stable parent – yourself – must act as a translator. Your role becomes one of teaching. You’ll have to model boundaries, show how accountability really works, and explain that love doesn’t necessarily require allegiance. Of course, this part of parenting won’t always feel satisfying. Your efforts may go unnoticed in the short term. But what you’re doing is constructing a template. Your child will return to it later, especially during moments of confusion or doubt. They’ll remember the home where they’ve felt safe to be themselves, and that memory will become their internal compass.
Exit Without Applause
There is rarely closure when co-parenting with a narcissist; no final scene where both parties nod in mutual understanding. What you get instead is endurance. The day-to-day work of showing up, keeping the rules even when they’re broken on the other side, documenting interactions, and continuing to advocate for your child’s emotional and mental health. You stop expecting fairness and start prioritizing strategy. Through this persistence, you create a different kind of authority – not one based on power but on consistency. Endurance can take shape as clarity. And clarity, even when hard-earned, can serve as the foundation for something much stronger.
References:
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/how-co-parent-narcissist-strategies-cheat-sheet
https://www.beermannfamilylaw.com/blog/2022/06/the-challenges-of-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist/
